A Woman's Week at the Gym

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine...

Dear Diary, 

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit- ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Hot

We are not allowed to run our a/c  until the man that installed it this past winter (with the furnace) comes to test it to make sure it is safe to run.  So, with the recent humidity and heat, I ran into Target and bought a fan.  I thought I'd pull it out of the box, plug it in and be able to enjoy it instantly.  

Not so. 

Assembly required.  

This was not clearly labeled on the box.  

Ridiculous.

Here is a picture of the parts as I took them out of the box...

I briefly considered following the directions until I discovered it was listing of parts that had been labeled up through "F" and I had four parts labeled "A" and one part labeled "B."

It doesn't look too bad, so I decided to ignore the directions.  After all, how hard could it be?  

Only 15 minutes later, I had put it all together (sans directions, of course).  I plugged it in.  It worked.  Just one minor detail....I put the base on backwards!  

I don't care....it still works and maybe on a cooler day I will adjust the base...maybe.

the Boys

Meet Duke:

Meet Satchel:

They live just down the street from Billy the Beagle.  I watch them when their humans go out of town.  We have become quite good friends.  =)

pretty

One of the surprises of living in a new house is the flowers that you didn't know you had until they pop up in the Spring. Here are a couple of pictures of some sort of rose bush outside our front room.

We also had some daffodils in the back yard.  No pictures though.

Jury Duty

While I have my own story from a jury duty summons I received...I am going to share this one that my sister Elizabeth saw last night on the Colbert Report.

Erik Slye is a 36-year-old man from Montana that really, really didn’t want to have to do jury duty. When he received his summons for jury duty, he took a unique approach to the whole issue. He sent a notarized affidavit to the court explaining why he should be excused from jury duty, in NO uncertain terms.

The caustic notarized statement that Slye wrote, with his wife’s assistance, resulted in him having to apologize in order to not be cited with criminal failure to appear. However, he was excused from having to serve.

Slye is an automobile painter who lives in Belgrade, Montana. He received his jury summons in January 2009 from the Gallatin County District Court. Here is his response…

"Apparently you morons didn't understand the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I'm not putting my family's well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don’t believe in our ‘justice’ system and I don’t want to have a god damned thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I’d rather count the wrinkles on my dog’s balls than sit on a jury. Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the f***alone.”

I can’t believe someone actually notarized this! Ha!